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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27639062">Where the Heaven Are We?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/maecheu/pseuds/maecheu'>maecheu</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, College, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 18:49:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,912</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27639062</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/maecheu/pseuds/maecheu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>no one knew whether yamaguchi tadashi is still alive. a bottle of pills aided tsukishima kei to figure whether or not yamaguchi's fate was all his fault. (warning: substance abuse/use)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tsukishima Kei &amp; Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Where the Heaven Are We?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">


        <li>
            Inspired by

            <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/715478">Where the Heaven Are We?</a> by FULLSUH / MAECHEU.
        </li>

    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hello! this is rework of an old fanfic i've done with nct's jaehyun (same title and concept lol), so if you already read that one, don't worry, it's  also by me.<br/>btw i didnt know if this counts as major character death as i chose not to disclose that but i still put up the warning just in case. this does apply to anything in the story itself.<br/>i apologize for any mistakes as this is not proofread and it's been almost 6 months since i last wrote. <br/>i also made a playlist of songs to accompany your reading. <br/>https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4TiSiW88J2nfyswRAoz5Mk?si=v2IxATZ0TCKFzALTx3p94g</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>
    <b>Where The Heaven Are We?</b>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    
  </strong>
</p><p>Tsukishima Kei looked at himself in the mirror. Lines of wrinkles and saggy skin enveloped his skin. A few grey hairs peeked through his blonde hair, his natural color camouflage the evidence of aging. With a deep sigh, he stretched his limbs and when back to the storage room to sort what needs to be disposed or kept. There was a numbing pain on his lower back, thanks to a day’s worth of packing boxes and lifting. This was the first house he purchased when he married Maiko. Remnants of the early years of their marriage remained in the house even though he moved out to a penthouse a year after Maiko’s death. He also kept a few memorabilia from high school and college in the house - most of them is kept above the closet in their bedroom or in the storage room. Among these memorabilia is his high school jersey, a few polaroids, an Oikawa Toru painting that Tanaka gave him as a gag gift one Christmas. Most of these things he already forgot about.</p><p>A few boxes remained yet to be touched at one corner of the room. Tsukishima picked up a box that is no different in shape and color as the others. He suspected it probably contains old clothes or toys that his daughter obviously no longer needed. He opened the box and the first item that caught his eye instantly triggered a tidal wave of nostalgia and emotions that Tsukishima did not know how to comprehend.</p><p>A shoe box with a name pasted on the cover. <em>Yamaguchi. </em>That’s a name he hasn’t heard or thought of in a long time. In fact, he hasn’t seen the owner of the name for almost 30 years now.</p><p>The last memory that Tsukishima has of Yamaguchi Tadashi was already so distant that he forgot that it even happened until he saw the shoe box. That did not mean he didn’t look for Yamaguchi all through the years. The peculiar thing though is no one he knew from high school or college has seen Yamaguchi recently. Not even Yachi who was Yamaguchi’s closest friend aside from him. He hasn’t showed up in any of the many reunions. Everyone else wondered where he was or what he’s doing now but none of them wondered as hard as Tsukishima.</p><p>Yamaguchi was Tsukishima’s only close friend. They were stuck by the hip ever since they met in middle school. It was hard for people to stay close with Tsukishima and he didn’t really understood why. But Yamaguchi stuck by him for some reason. From a bystander’s view, Yamaguchi may seem like a puppy following Tsukishima everywhere they go. But for Tsukishima, Yamaguchi was a protector - always by his side even if he’s in the wrong. A roll of memories flashed before him, like a supercut of the good times.</p><p>“Are we there yet, Tsukki?” Yamaguchi complained. They were walking at the opposite direction of their house for almost ten minutes now.</p><p>“Stop complaining,” Tsukki reprimanded. “Complaining won’t get us there quicker.”</p><p>The pair walked through various empty fields. Yamaguchi was unfamiliar of this path. He followed the blonde boy as he walk towards the only field that had some flowers on it.</p><p>“Here!” Tsukishima announced.</p><p>“Where the heaven are, Tsukki?” Yamaguchi looked around before setting his backpack down on the ground. “This is quite far from home.”</p><p>“You can just say ‘where the hell’, you know?” Tsukishima said. “I found this spot while we were looking for my brother’s dog who got lost before.”</p><p>“It’s very pretty,” Yamaguchi said, laying out a thin blanket for them to sit on.</p><p>“I figured you would like it here.”</p><p>He opened the box and was suprised that there weren’t a lot of stuff inside. It only contained three polaroid photos of him and Yamaguchi, a bottle of pills, and a ring. The silver ring glimmered under the dim light of the room. It’s shine hits Tsukishima’s eye so intensely that it almost hurt. Everything hurts. Yamaguchi became such a distant memory that for the longest time, Tsukishima forgot how it felt to ache, to yearn for something to come back but never having the courage to say anything.</p><p>The night came faster than usual. Perhaps Tsukishima was too busy packing all that was left inside the storage room that he lost grasp of the time. The rain crashed through the roof of the house and he knew that it was best to spend the night there.</p><p>He slept almost immediately that night.</p><hr/><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>There was a pounding in his head the minute he regained consciousness. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Why is it suddenly warm?” Tsukishima thought. The environment around him was buzzing with chit chats and white noise. Tsukishima opened his eyes and it was like flashing a flashlight right in front of his eyes. He was in his college campus. Why was he here? The last thing he could remember was he fell asleep on his old house?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tsukishima fixed the glasses that rested on his face. This can’t be real. The same thought ran over and over on his head. But everything felt real. He swore he was dreaming but the minute a rowdy senior bumped on his shoulder, he concluded he was not. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tsukishima immediately ran to the nearest restroom. He stared at himself in the mirror. His cheeks were plump and almost rosy. There were no folds or sags present in the surface. He lifts one hand to touch his cheek. He was his college self again. He turned the tap on and splash his face with the cold water.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He mindlessly wandered through the halls. His head was empty; he did not know what to think about the whole situation. The skin on his hands were no longer wrinkly. Is he dead? Why does heaven look like his college? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Tsukki!” A voice higher than Tsukishima’s awoken him from his reverie.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Yamaguchi. That’s a face I haven’t seen in years. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yamaguchi.” Tsukishima responded, his tone rang slightly with confusion. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Are you going to Nishinoya’s party later?” Yamaguchi asked, adorning the same smile he wore ever since middle school.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Are you going?” He responded.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“If you are,” Yamaguchi replied. “I mean, there’s really no point of me being there if you’re not there.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Sure, I’ll be there.” Tsukishima said.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>For Tsukishima, there wasn’t a lot of things that has changed with Yamaguchi since middle school. He wasn’t blinded by the fact that Yamaguchi always stuck to him by the hip. It’s not that he found something erring about it. It was just something that never changed even though they believed they would go separate ways after high school. Tsukishima also wouldn’t deny that Yamaguchi became an important person for him. He couldn’t really explain how no matter how much he tried. He just knew that Yamaguchi is an important part of his system.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The confusion that wandered endlessly on his mind never faded. Why on earth did he travel back in time? How the hell was that even possible? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Before he could think again, the world around him suddenly felt slow. He twisted his head to look over at Yamaguchi who was mindlessly talking about something. He didn’t even notice Tsukishima’s distressed face as the world around him wrapped into nothing.</em>
</p><hr/><p>
  
</p><p>Tsukishima jolted from his position. The water from the shower head cascaded down his body. His skin were back to being wrinkly.</p><p><em>What the hell was that? </em>He thought as he dried himself with a towel.</p><p>The orange bottle from Yamaguchi’s box sat on top of the bathroom counter. He could have sworn he placed that on the bedside table. A small scribble was written on the sticker.</p><p>
  <em>Take one if you need me. Yams.</em>
</p><p>He remembered what the pills were for now. Yamaguchi told him that if he ever miss him, Tsukishima could drink one pill. He thought it was absurd or just one of Yamaguchi’s sappy gimmicks. But he misses Yamaguchi. When he saw him on his indescribable time-travel trip, it was as if his whole system yearned for Yamaguchi. He never knew where he was or what he’s doing right now. No one knew if he was still even alive.</p><p>And with that thought, he took one pill to his mouth and swallowed.</p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>Tsukishima’s mind felt as tight as how his eyes were shut. The world around him hasn’t stabilized yet but he could hear loud music and people singing. It wasn’t a house party but a concert or music festival of some sort. The moment Tsukishima opened his eyes, he knew what tonight was.</em>
</p><p>
  
  <em>The world was spinning. Tsukishima felt like it was his first time to stand on his own two feet because of how wobbly he stood. He gripped his head between his hands to help stabilize himself. A faint taste of cheap beer slowly became present on his tongue as the nerves on his fingertips tingled. He felt a crowd around him yet none of them seemed to care that the boy beside them was struggling to stand up. It took a few breathes for Tsukishima’s world to become steady. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>A band was performing in the front as an ocean of people sway to the music and sang their hearts out. Tsukishima did not need to look beside him to know who he was with. Of course he remembers this scene, he knows it so well like the back of his hand. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The Vaccines is a western band, meaning Tsukishima went through hell to obtain tickets for the two of them. It wasn’t always that a band like this would tour around Asia so when tickets went on sale, it was like the Hunger Games. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“CAUSE YOU TALK TO ME AND IT COMES OFF THE WALL,” Yamaguchi’s cracking voice made Tsukishima look at him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He looks so happy. His eyes resembled the brightest galaxy in the universe. The brightest galaxy to ever exist could be difficult to comprehend due to the limits of modern technology but Tsukishima knew exactly how it would look like. Because he could clearly see it on Yamaguchi’s eyes. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“LETS GO TO BED BEFORE YOU SAY HOW YOU FEEL,” Yamaguchi continued before sensing Tsukishima’s gaze on him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tsukishima was never one to let loose in public. He rarely even sang out loud in the comfort of his own room despite knowing he was home alone. He was also not the type to laugh or smile at something Yamaguchi does even though deep inside he found it amusing. Not tonight. Tonight he smiled a smile that could speak a thousand poems of love. Yamaguchi did not need any further explanation to decipher what Tsukishima’s smile meant. That’s how much he has grown to memorize everything Tsukishima Kei is. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The climax of the song was slowly building as lovers of romance and music jumped to the song. A repetition of “It’s you, oh I always knew” lingered through the air and right between the strings that connected the two men since middle school.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I always knew, Yamaguchi.” Tsukishima said over the blasting noise. Yamaguchi’s smile faded and for a second, it scared Tsukishima. “It’s always you.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I love you too, Tsukki.” Yamaguchi replied, smiling through the flowing tears that Tsukishima was quick to wipe. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Despite the rowdy crowd, Tsukishima faced Yamaguchi. With a hand to his cheek, he leaned down to kiss the lips he has always dreamed of kissing. He thought blocking Ushijima Wakatoshi’s spike was eternal bliss. He never knew there could be a feeling much better than that. And he didn’t know he could feel that bliss with someone he has known for all his life. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>No wonder Tsukishima missed Yamaguchi dearly. If only he could bring this moment to the present time, he found no reasons why not. Perhaps the pills could aid him in finding out what happened to his dearest love before graduation.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tsukishima deepened the kiss, to which Yamaguchi jolted and tightened his grip around Tsukishima’s hand. As the world around him became nothing, he held on to Yamaguchi.</em>
</p><hr/><p>Tsukishima woke up in cold sweat. This time, he was finally in his bed in the penthouse. He couldn’t remember driving back there. All he could remember was taking one pill in the bathroom of their old house. He looked over at the bedside table and saw the culprit for his dreams sitting there. Tsukishima got goosebumps all over his body. What could this mean? How is that possible? The pills have got to be just candies that Yamaguchi gifted him before.</p><p>His phone rang and displayed an alarm. It was almost time to start the day. His mind was still very hazy, confused at the recent circumstances. Yet, he pushed himself off the bed to get ready.</p><p>A small dinner was planned by Daichi Sawamura later that night. It was a small Karasuno Volleyball Club reunion. They always do this every month. And as always, one of them is nowhere to be found.</p><p>“You know, I always thought it would be you that will miss every single one of our reunions.” Nishinoya commented. “I mean, it’s very unusual for one of the people who became captain to miss these things.”</p><p>“It’s sad that I no longer heard from Yamaguchi.” Hinata followed. “Did he forget about us?”</p><p>“Perhaps, that’s what happened.” Tsukishima responded with a low voice.</p><p>The people knew better than to ask any more questions. They all knew of their past relationship - both it’s sunny sides and downfalls.</p><p>“Okay! Let’s not turn this dinner mellow.” Daichi announced, bringing up topics that everyone was quick to partake in.</p><p>Tsukishima let out a small tsk, one that only Kageyama noticed but quickly ignored. He couldn’t wait to go home that night and see Yamaguchi again.</p><hr/><p>
  <em>Tsukishima’s pain was still fresh. It’s been over 30 years now but it still stung. It’s been over 30 years since the death of his brother but the memory will never die.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I wish I could do something, man.” Kuroo tapped his shoulder.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tsukishima couldn’t do anything but smile. It took him his whole life to build himself and within just seconds, he saw how fast it could crumble away. He wanted to punch the air for making him feel this type of pain. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Look, I don’t know if you’ll agree,” Kuroo began, fishing something from his pockets. “But here, this might help the pain.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tsukishima prayed. Tsukishima prayed before the world around him swirled that he would wakes up in a time when they haven’t started it. But the smell that lingered through the room broke Tsukishima’s heart. His vision finally stabilized. He finally got used to the time transitions. Through the lenses of his glasses, he spots Yamaguchi facing the ceiling. There were remnants of cocaine and paraphernalia on the mattress. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Did I do it right this time?” Yamaguchi asked, excitement present in his eyes. Tsukishima smile, it was as if his muscles had a mind of its own and instinctively smiled.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Yamaguchi saw stars that moment. He saw different stars of different sizes and colors. Some shined brighter than others. It was as if he was an astronaut floating in the endless galaxy. But none of that phased him. None of that could ever phase him when he has his world on his side. He looked over at Tsukishima who stared at him with an unreadable expression. And as always, he knew what Tsukishima’s expression meant.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Tsukki…” He called out.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I had a dream.” Tsukishima said. “You left me. And I couldn’t find you. And I didn’t know where you were or what you came to be.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Yamaguchi smiled. He faced away from the stars to face Tsukishima. He placed one hand on the side of Tsukishima’s face, his thumb creating soothing movements to his skin. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Why would I leave you, Tsukki?” Yamaguchi asked. “I promised you thick and thin. I promised you that I’ll have you by my side when I finally become who I want to be.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“But…” Tsukishima protested, getting cut off by a short peck to the lips by his lover. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“There are stars in the ceiling, Tsukki.” Yamaguchi held Tsukishima’s hand. “Would you like to explore them with me?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>With bloodshot eyes and weary smiles, Tsukishima smiled.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Where the heaven are we, Tadashi?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Yamaguchi’s words rung through his ears as his chest began to tighten. It was another time wrap. He didn’t know to where or to what point in time but all he wished was it led him back to a time where he could stop Yamaguchi from ever trying the drugs. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Seriously, Tsukki, you need to take a break from taking this.” Kuroo warned.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Nah, I just need a little extra boost so I could finish this archeology paper.” Tsukishima brushed him off, lighting a match.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“That’s your last for this week,” Yamaguchi stood a foot down. “Alright, Tsukki?”</em>
</p><hr/><p>The muffled bickering of the former teammates could be heard from the restaurant’s balcony. The men inside are now drinking and playing pool. Tsukishima swirled the liquor on his glass, taking in the cold air of the night.</p><p>“Do you regret it, Tsukki?” Yachi appeared from beside him, with the same liquor on his hands.</p><p>Yachi was one of Yamaguchi’s close friends. Yamaguchi is normally really anxious when forming friendship with anyone especially girls. It was a surprise to Tsukishima that they were really close and only got closer until college.</p><p>“Regret what?”</p><p>“Do you ever regret introducing drugs to Yamaguchi?” Yachi boldy set her point straight.</p><p>Tsukishima didn’t flinch; the question hurt him but he didn’t bother straightening up. The answer to the question was something he already accepted years ago. He does not need someone to repeat it again and again.</p><p>“Can we not talk about this?” Tsukishima exhaled, bringing the glass to his lips.</p><p>“How can I not talk about this?” Yachi’s tone grew louder. “It’s because of you, Tadashi no longer hangs out with us!”</p><p>“You think that didn’t bother me, Yachi?” Tsukishima rebutted. “You think it didn’t bother me when his parents threw deadly stares at me after what happened? You think it didn’t kill me to the core to see their house being emptied out and I couldn’t do anything? You think the thirty years without Yamaguchi never haunts me to the point that I no longer knew what being happy felt like?”</p><p>Yachi’s sobs filled the distance between the two. The others were still so busy minding their own business inside, absolutely oblivious of what’s happening in the balcony.</p><p>“You think it didn’t hurt feeling the love of your life forget you so easily?” Tsukishima said. No tears left his eyes. This was a facade he knew how to master all his life. “If I could find Yamaguchi right now, I would. I would with every fiber of my being. But he already forgot about us so I think it’s time for you to do the same.”</p><hr/><p>
  <em>The atmosphere felt light. Right in front of Tsukishima is a wildflower field. The same exact field they would sit in when the weather becomes warmer. The sun was about to set, slowly introducing splashes of gold on the sky.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“The sky is so pretty, right, Tsukki?” Yamaguchi commented, staring off to the distance. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yeah,” Tsukishima replied. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I wish I could live long enough to witness what else is out there in the universe.” Yamaguchi sighed. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tsukishima felt his heart pound. He wishes that Yamaguchi lived long enough to read the countless scientific discoveries on the news and internet. It would mean the world for him to know that Yamaguchi did. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>There was a warm silence. It was always like that between him and Yamaguchi back in middle school and high school. Everything changed in college when they officially dated. The clothing that they both wore signified that they were still in high school. Tsukishima did not know what year they are currently in for they always visited this wildflower field way before high school. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima said. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Yamaguchi turned to face him, surprised by the fact that Tsukishima called his attention.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Would you ever do drugs?” Tsukishima asked.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>All Yamaguchi did was laugh. Tsukishima felt heat rush to his cheeks. What a stupid question; why the hell would he even ask that?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What are you talking about, Tsukki?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Oh, I just thought that maybe in college people would ask us to try it or whatever.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Nice save, Kei. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I wouldn’t.” Yamaguchi answered, still very confused as to why Tsukishima would even ask such question. “Terushima-san from Johzenji told me that it’s real bad.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You talk to Terushima?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yeah, he approached me one time during the training camp.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You never told me about that.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Sorry, Tsukki.” Yamaguchi said with a dismissing chuckle. “I just didn’t think you’ll care about that.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Of course, he’ll care about that. Yamaguchi always told him everything. It ticked him the wrong way when Yamaguchi hid the fact that he had a conversation with the punk that clearly has a crush on him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Sorry, Tsukki.” Yamaguchi apologized once more after sensing that Tsukishima did not like the fact that he never told him. “I promise I’ll tell you the next time he talks to me again.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m just worried that he and his minions might take advantage of you.” Tsukishima stood up.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Yamaguchi just stared up at him, unable to comprehend why the hell Tsukishima was making a fuss about it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“The store might close down soon,” Tsukishima announced. “We should go so we can get the milk buns.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The walk to the nearest convenience store was like the usual. It consists of Yamaguchi ranting about a particular topic and Tsukishima having one or two inputs.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“When you finally get to be one of the volleyball stars, make sure you remember me on your fan signs.” Yamaguchi commented.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“As if I’ll have a fan sign.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Sure you would! You’d be so great, Tsukki.” Yamaguchi trailed on. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Are you really sure you don’t want to pursue volleyball after high school?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“No,” He answered. “I’ll leave the fighting to you cool people!”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You are cool.” Tuskishima muttered. “You don’t need anything to become strong, you just need to believe in yourself that you’re capable of so many things.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>This Yamaguchi still hasn’t discovered his strength yet. He still hasn’t discovered what the future holds for him as a member of the club. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Nah,” Yamaguchi uttered. “I can’t even get girls to talk to me if we’re not talking about you.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tsukishima looked over at his crouching position. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“But hey!” Yamaguchi’s expression changed into a bright one. Tsukishima has always admired how quickly he can switch emotions. “Maybe one day, I can be like the rest of you.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Please don’t be like the rest of them. Tsukishima said to himself.</em>
</p><hr/><p>Tsukishima couldn’t sleep. It’s been a week since the reunion. He didn’t bother replying to Kageyama or Hinata when the both messaged him asking what happened to Yachi. The past couple of weeks has been nothing but hell for him. He even forgot to update his son about Christmas activities. Tsukishima felt that he didn’t belong to either timeline.</p><p>He looked over at the photo frames that adored the living room of his penthouse. There were any pictures of his family. Tsukishima married a woman named Maiko. She works as a senior pharmacist and has devoted her life to medicine. He loved Maiko, of course. He wouldn’t marry her if he didn’t. It’s been five years since she succumbed to cancer. But she remained happy even on her death bed. That was enough closure for Tsukishima.</p><p>They had one child who he named Tadashi. Tadashi went on to become a hit baseball player for the Japan team. It’s no secret that Tsukishima lived a successful life. He had a disciplined and loving family. But he still wondered how life would be like if Yamaguchi was still with him. He wondered about the what-ifs way more than he could ever admit. It felt shameful, thinking about yourself with another lover while you have a family. But no guilt or shame could ever tantamount to how he feels about the past with Yamaguchi. He sensed that the time wraps would lead him nowhere; he almost accepted the fact that he may never know what happened to Yamaguchi.</p><p>But still, he found himself with a pill on his throat.</p><hr/><p>
  <em>Tsukishima ran as fast as he could. He ran so hard and so fast that the soles of his feet could possibly bruise. He knew what today was. That’s why he was running as fast as he could. The beating of his wouldn’t stop increasing. He finally spots Yamaguchi’s dormitory. After almost slipping on the stairs, he opened the door to his dorm. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>There was the love of his life - shivering despite the heat of the sun, lips as pale as ice. Is this what he as done to Yamaguchi? He scrambled to rush over where Yamaguchi was. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yamaguchi!” Tsukishima rushed to his trembling body. “Yamaguchi! What did you do?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yo-ou m-missed m-me, Ts-Tsukki?” Yamaguchi struggled to let out. Despite his poor condition, Yamaguchi smiled upon Tsukishima. He will always smile at Tsukishima. For him, his Tsukki could do no wrong. And he was there, to save him from what he had done to himself. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What happened?” Tsukishima didn’t know what to do. He made it to the dorm but he didn’t know what to do next. His panic-stricken limbs searched for his phone to dial an ambulance. Fear shook all the nerves inside of him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tsukishima felt terror but Yamaguchi felt magical.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I did it, Tsukki, it’s working!” Yamaguchi exclaimed with raspiness to his tone. “I can feel it working!”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What?” Tsukishima cried. His sobs muffling the words he needed to let out. “What the fuck, Tadashi?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I took the drugs!” Yamaguchi answered, his limbs slightly convulsing. “I can finally be as strong as you!”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tsukishima remained shunned. It was as if a boulder fell suddenly on his chest.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Like you… and Kageyama… and Hinata,” Yamaguchi went on, hugging his arms to his chest. “Or… or Noya-san… and you… I’m gonna be like you… Tsukki…You missed me…”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A series of coughing triggered a tidal wave of tears in Tsukishima. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Make it stop, Tsukki!” Yamaguchi yelled, his voice piercing through Tsukishima. “It hurts!”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tsukishima held Yamaguchi. He didn’t know what to do. He held him as he struggled in his grasp. He brushed his hair out of his face as Yamaguchi’s face contorts in pain. The valley of freckles that Tsukishima adored was flooded with tears - tears that Tsukishima knew he caused. But Yamaguchi will never let him think that. His Tsukki could do no wrong, after all.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It hurts, Tsukki, I just wanted to be like you…”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tsukishima rocked him back and forth, his own breathing was staggered. For almost thirty years, Tsukishima forgot how it felt to ache. But this was so much more than just aching. This felt like a demon sucking the soul out of his body. The love of his life, clearly overdosing in drugs because he wanted to be like him? Rising from the deadly mixture of fear and anger, all Tsukishima could do was scream for help. </em>
</p><hr/><p>Tsukishima doesn’t regret a lot of things in his life. He was never vocal about them though; not even to his wife, brother, or Yamaguchi. He regrets holding a huge grudge against his brother - that was something that would take him the rest of his life to fix. He regrets building his walls so strong that even he could no longer tear them down. And it gets lonely inside. Most importantly, he regrets using the drugs Kuroo gave him. Sure, it numbed the pain caused by the death of his brother but it fired back a turning point in his life. He didn’t know that before and he didn’t believe anyone who told him to stop because they weren’t the ones wearing his chains. When your eyes are so used to seeing in the dark, a slight sliver of light is a threat.</p><p>The day of Yamaguchi’s overdose replays endlessly in his mind. When it has been ten years since the incident and he was still having troubles falling asleep, he grew accustomed to the fact that it will never leave him.</p><p>Tsukishima knew what point in time the last pill would bring him. He felt restless and defeated. He only had one pill and somehow, he still hasn’t done anything to make Yamaguchi stay in his life.</p><p>
  <em>There was an exasperating ringing that welcomed Tsukishima’s ear. He flinched as the sound linger on. His eyes were closed as he found it difficult to lift his eyelids. The sound transformed into a beeping one. The room was clean and white. This is the hospital. A numb pain was felt by him on his elbow pit, confusing him before finding out that there was an IV stuck onto it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He knew what happened. This day changed him and his life. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Kei, are you feeling well now?” The voice of his mother was heard from the side. Everything was blurry and hazy, like someone put a gaussian blur to the world. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Mom..” Was the only words he could let out.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Kei,” His mother’s voice almost cracked. She was on the verge of crying. “Don’t you ever pull something like that again, Kei.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He held on to his mother’s body as he wept like a child scared of a thunderstorm. Tsukishima was terrified, his body shook with each sob he let out. There was a bitter taste to his tongue. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Just because Yamaguchi did it, doesn’t mean you would too.” His mother said. The mention of the name made Tsukishima straighten up.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yamaguchi?” He spoke. “Where is he?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“He’s in a room upstairs.” His mother held his cheek, absorbing the concern painted all over Tsukishima’s debilitated face. “Do you want to go see him?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Does he want to go see Yamaguchi? If Yamaguchi is in a room upstairs, that means he’s okay, right? He nodded vigorously. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The tiled of the hospital hallway was monochromatic. The people on their floor also held monochromatic expressions. After a few tests and a nap, Tsukishima was permitted to visit Yamaguchi’s room upstairs. As he was about to enter the elevator, he halted. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Yamaguchi is okay, he’s resting in this hospital. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Kei, what’s wrong?” His mother asked.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Let’s just go back.” He replied. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Don’t you want to see Tadashi?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’ll see him once we get out.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>And with that, they turned away. If it was him, he would request for space. He doesn’t want to see the face of the person who introduced him to drugs. Yamaguchi probably wanted the same. So he turned away.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’ll see him once he gets out. He’s fine.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The walls of the hallway started splotching with colors. He knew what was coming but why is it so sudden? Is this the end of it all? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tsukishima tried to run the opposite direction. But the world never stopped turning. No matter how much Tsukishima tried to face the other way, the world spun without a care.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The floor was concrete. He has shoes on. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>What? Tsukishima thought. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The cars viewed in front of him indicated that he’s in the parking lot.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It’s a shame you didn’t want to see Tadashi before he wakes up.” His mother said.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Wait. Wake up?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What do you mean wake up?” His voice shook slightly.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“He’s in a coma, Kei.” His mother replied. “Didn’t you already know that before you were admitted here?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>No. That can’t be right. The world started to spin. This can’t happen to Tsukishima. Without a word, he sprinted towards the hospital entrance. The weakness of his body gave him no aid in fighting against the environment that seemed to be melting each second. He needed to see Yamaguchi wake up. He didn’t care about the consequences in the future, he just needed to know that Yamaguchi became okay. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The entrance door was getting nearer but something was holding Tsukishima back. His legs were running but it seemed like he was neither getting nearer or farther. He slowly felt his legs slow down as a tight pain burst on his chest.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>No, keep moving. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The last sensation Tsukishima felt was the rough texture of the ground against his cheek.</em>
</p><hr/><p>Tsukishima felt warm. The weather was getting colder each day but he felt like he’s standing under the sun that shined at it’s brightest. He didn’t know when he started crying but his head was starting to hurt. His phone pinged beside him as he quickly wiped his face.</p><p>
  <strong>
    <b>Yachi [9:04 AM]: Tsukishima, can we talk? </b>
  </strong>
</p><p>He stared blankly at the screen. What was there to talk about?</p><p>
  <strong>
    <b>Tsukishima [9:06 AM]: About what?</b>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <b>Yachi [9:07 AM]: About what happened at the reunion dinner. </b>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <b>Yachi [9:07 AM]: I know I shouldn’t have said what I said and I don’t really know how to face you but I don’t want to say sorry over text.</b>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <b>Tsukishima [9:10 AM]: Sure, we can talk. Tell me when you’re free.</b>
  </strong>
</p><p>He didn’t feel nervous about meeting Yachi. As he sat in a booth of a semi-crowded bar, all he felt was awkwardness as to how he would approach Yachi. The two wasn’t really that close of friends and for everytime, Yachi hanged out with Yamaguchi and him, he didn’t really have a full conversation with her. The two also didn’t have any similarities aside from the fact that they’re both close with Yamaguchi.</p><p>“Did you wait long?” Yachi inquired. Yachi definitely changed over the years.</p><p>“Nope,” He replied.</p><p>“Look, Tsukishima,” Yachi started. “I’m really sorry. I don’t have an excuse to justify my outburst at the party.”</p><p>“Yachi, it’s okay.” He quickly said.</p><p>Yachi was suprised. Sure, Tsukishima wasn’t the type to hold a conversation for long but she didn’t expect him to dismiss her actions so easily; especially considering the fact that Yamaguchi was so important to him.</p><p>“It just,” Yachi looked down at her fingers, trying to find the words to say. “It just didn’t make any sense how Yams could just throw us all away like that.”</p><p>“And that’s my fault.” Tsukishima interrupted. “It’s my fault he didn’t want to be anywhere near us. Seeing you guys would mean being reminded of me and I don’t think he would like that.”</p><p>“But Yamaguchi loves you.” Yachi’s words sliced through Tsukishima’s heart. It sliced so cleanly and deeply. “There’s no way he wouldn’t want to see you after what happened.”</p><p>“I have feeling he’s dead.” He said, earning a small gasp from Yachi.</p><p>“What?” Yachi said in confusion. “There was no wake or burial.”</p><p>“Tadashi’s family is very disciplined. There’s no way they would want the public to know their son uses drugs.”</p><p>There was a short silence between the two. There; that could be their closure, right? Yamaguchi is dead. If Tsukishima could accept that theory, he could finally close almost three decades of yearning and confusion. He clenched his jaw, fighting the urge to retract what he said and say that he doesn’t believe it. If there’s no proof, then it didn’t happen. But he needed this, he needed to know what happened to Yamaguchi and if he can’t have the answer then he’ll just make one himself.  </p><p>“I don’t think he is, Tsukki.” Yachi said.</p><p>Tsukishima just smiled.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>and that's it! i'm sorry if this did not make any sense whatsoever. i would really appreciate your feedback and thoughts on this fic.<br/>also, if you enjoyed this, you can send a small tip (buymeacoffee.com/tsukki)! it would really help and inspire me to do more.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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